Thursday, 11 April 2013

Mini Confession #3 - Strength from Within

Mini Confession #3
Have you unleashed your strength from within ?
I confess that .. I lost my willpower to stay strong .
Perhaps it is because it's O Levels this year ; the amount of stress I feel has drowned me .
Since September 2012 , my stomach has been having this piercing , sharp pain as though someone was stabbing me . I had gone to different doctors HUNDREDS of times ; be it the Traditional Chinese Medicine ( TCM ) or Western Medicine , nothing worked .
Needless to say , it affected my studies , majorly . I couldn't concentrate in class , if I even went to school . If not , I would probably be in so much pain that I can't even move ; don't even think about leaving my bed to the washroom .
Grades ? Dropped . Willpower ? Over time , I got used to the pain . The willpower to study , or even to wake up , died down . Most of my friends would hear me complaining about the pain / ranting about how I don't want to be in school / crying at night about the pain / depressed about the pain and get all emotional about life .
There wasn't a choice given to me . I was on the road to one of my fears : the hospital . No , there is nothing wrong about the hospitals or being a patient / visitor . I just have the kind of fear of being hospitalised ; which was why I refused to be in the hospital for long . Hence , an appointment with a gastric specialist was made .
Going to the hospital for the first time for MY OWN checkup , I was afraid . It's just going for a checkup , why do you need to be scared ? I knew from the time I was young that there was something wrong with my body , I just didn't want to know . So , I went for a checkup . The doctor said that I may have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and they were like " I think you should take a blood test , just in case . " To me , it sounded like " There is nothing much wrong with you , it's just that I want to earn more money out of you . "  Reluctantly ( I literally complained that they STOLE my blood ) , I went for the blood test ( I'm not a fan of needles ) .
So .. What is Irritable Bowel Syndrome ( IBS , I'm a lazy person too ! ) ?
This is how Wikipedia explains it : IBS is a symptom-based diagnosis characterised by chronic abdominal pain , discomfort , bloating , and alteration of bowel habits .
This is how I explain it : When you feel stressed or upset , your brain tells your stomach to start hurting until you are relaxed .
Sounds like some superpower ? You tell your own body to hurt yourself , without knowing that you actually said so . No , it isn't fun . For girls , maybe you could imagine getting those horrible cramps , then add in gastric pains and muscle cramps ; and imagine hurting for .. 6 months .
Does that sound horrible ? Wait , there's more !
I went back to the hospital to take my blood results . There was nothing wrong except for a weird negative number ; the doctor explained that THEY NEED TO TAKE ANOTHER BLOOD TEST . Oh , so you want more of my blood and money ? After getting the SECOND blood test results , the doctor revealed to me that I inherited Thalassemia Minor from my mother .
Please talk in English ! What is Thalassemia Minor ( TM , yet again , I have proved I'm lazy ) ?
TM is a blood disorder caused by the weakening and destruction of red blood cells , which results from missing genes that affect how the body makes haemoglobin . This may result in anaemia .
Complications for Thalassemia Minor ( inherited from ONE parent ) : Iron overload , increased risk of infection , bone deformities , enlarged spleen , slowed growth rates , heart problems .
Complications for Thalassemia Major ( inherited if BOTH parents has Thalassemia Minor ) :
Severe anaemia within the first year of life , experience chronic fatigue , impaired physical activities, facial and other bone deformities, fragile bones and enlargement of the liver and spleen. If left untreated, it will lead to death within the first decade of life. The only treatment to combat severe anemia is regular blood transfusions and iron chelation therapy.

Simply put , if I marry someone with Thalassemia Minor and have kids ; our child ( a Thalassemia Major ) would suffer because of us . The news of this ( not the effect on my body ; but on my future ) has torn down all my walls around my heart .  Needless to say , I was depressed and upset with myself .

I lost my grades , my life ; and now , I have to risk my child's ? That was how I lost my strength .