Mini Confession #10 - Inner Doubts .

 

 

Mini Confession #10

Inner Doubts .

I admit that .. I've been doubting myself lately .
Not the best thing to do , in fact ; it's not even a good thing to do .

These days , I've been having A LOT of emotional hunger .
Specific cravings , eating after being full .. That's my life these days .
In fact , as I'm posting this , I stopped to have a cup of corn , 2 packets of crysanthemum tea & 1 raisin bun . I'm really full right now , but I still feel the need to eat ..

I've been doubting myself lately ..
About my life , future , dreams , goals ..
Other than blogging , I'm also doing blogshopping , schooling & having O levels soon ..

Maybe , I've been dreaming too much .
I blog because I hoped it would get me somewhere .
I go to school because .. well , I have to .
I have a blogshop because I wish to expand to a successful blogshop someday .
I have O levels because .. well , I have to .

However , the different career choices I'm hoping for ..
the different courses available ..
the amount of work that needs to be put in ..
They're crumbling me .

Firstly .. There are TOO MANY career choices available now .
Accountant , Blogger , Blogshop owner , Singer , Volunteer etcetc .
So many choices , how do you know what you should be ?

Secondly .. There are TOO MANY course choices available now .
Different polytechnics , different courses ..
They all lead to different careers and different futures .

Thirdly .. There are TOO MANY things to study .
There are roughly 7 ~ 8 subjects to study .
Out of each subject , there are 7 ~ 15 topics .
In each topic , at least 5 things to remember .
The thing is , I have NO IDEA where or how to start .

Lastly .. There are TOO MANY things to worry about ..
What if I didn't do well for O levels ?
What if time wasn't on my side ?

I'm starting to think .. how many people read about what I blog ?
How many people actually like what I post ?
How many people even bother to read EVERYTHING I post ?
What if people didn't like it .. ?

Also , I am NOT the " popular " kid in school . Neither am I very loved .
Even if people didn't tell / show me , I KNOW that they didn't like me .
Even at home , it's hard to feel confident and good about myself .

Hence , I cover up with flaws and a " FAKE " confidence ..
I cover up with this name " Gerwyn " ; and it's NOT even my real name ..
Sometimes I wonder , where am I going ?
What do I do now ?

All I ever feel like doing is lie in bed and cry ..
Cry everything away ; but it wouldn't solve anything .