Saturday, 4 May 2013

Through Gerwyn's Eyes #10 - All Alone .

Through Gerwyn's Eyes #10
All Alone .
I'm posting this because I need to let this out of my heart , so badly .
I'm an only child , and people with siblings would probably think that I'm lucky .. NOT .
Being the only child doesn't mean that life is better . In fact , I want a sibling so much ; at least I could have someone to confide in when I need someone . I'm tired of life , partly because of my parents .
At the end of the day , they are still my parents ; there's nothing I can do about that . But , I don't understand ; I'm already their only child , why make life difficult for me ? How ? Read on ..
Firstly , there is a reason why I wear / act the way I do ; my parents . Being thinner than I was , I would of course , like to wear things that I couldn't wear previously . However , what would my parents say ? Look .
You look so fat in that dress , all your fats spilling out ; like pig like that .
Wear until like that , so ugly ; might as well don't wear .
The ____ so tight , can see all your fats ; still want go out wearing that ?
Oh wait . That's not all . Secondly , the reason I created Soundcloud ? My parents . Whenever I record songs to ask friends for ways to improve , they always say it sounds nice . However , my parents would be like ..
You slaughtering chicken arh ?
Sing until so awful , don't sing can a not ?
Shut up larh , nobody want hear you sing .
Needless to say , I was upset . I didn't know whether my friends were just patronizing me , or did I really sound alright . In fact , my CCA is Choir , so I should be able to sing somehow right ? Not what my parents think .
That's still not all . Whenever I do blogging / projects / blogshop issues / research , my parents would forever be saying ..
You so free , cannot help out in housework arh ?
Your things throw here , throw there ; pig sty arh ?
I don't know why we have such an untidy daughter that don't know how to help out at home .
If I'm doing misc. stuff like shopping and all ; I wouldn't mind . But , I mostly do my blogshop and homework on the computer . Even so , I don't throw my things anyhow . I know where I place them , where to get them when I need them . Moreover , my grandma comes back almost every weekend , and if I keep everything in my room , my parents would say I'm disturbing her .
Why would I blog about all these now ? I know they say that you shouldn't " hang the dirty linen in public " , but I got really upset just now and ran out of my parent's room crying . Here's what happened .
I came back at 11pm from meeting my boyfriend , and I went to wash up . Then , I lied on my bed using my phone to try the internet connection as there is something wrong with my What'sapp and Facebook . Then , I remember that I use the nights to do my homework because my brain is more awake at night . The quarrel begins .
Dad : Supposed to study , you don't study . Not supposed to study , you want study .
Me : I can't concentrate in the afternoon , my brain works better at night .
Mum : That's just your thinking . You can study in the afternoon , just that you are lazy .
Dad : Yarh , just like how you're lazy to wake up everyday and fake illness just to skip school .
Me : - rather upset by now cause they didn't understand the physical pain I was going through and thought I was lying -
Dad : Why you not like us ? Want sleep then will just sleep , supposed to do work will do work . Why our daughter like that ?
Me : - head buried in my pillow , trying to hold my tears back -
Dad : - talks to my mum - You know whether market got sell pig brain ?
Mum : Have arh , why ?
Dad : Tomorrow go buy for her , cook pig brain to boost her brain .
Mum : She already got pig brain already , boost for what .
Sometimes , I really wonder whether I'm their daughter . They make me feel so miserable , and tear down all my self-esteem and self confidence . I wonder whether they really love me , cause everytime I try to open up to them , they think I'm lying . I think whether they would care if I'm gone someday , since I'm just lazy / ugly / fat / stupid / pig-brained to them .
They think they understand me ; when in actual fact , they don't know anything about their own daughter . My favourite food , my favourite things ; what I like , what I dislike . They know nothing about me .
What's worse ? They blame everything on me / my boyfriend . When my grades goes down , my boyfriend gets blamed for spending too much time with me . When I can't sleep at night ( I have insomnia ) , my boyfriend gets blamed for meeting me too late at night . When I'm in too much pain to go to school , my boyfriend gets blamed for meeting / texting me the previous night resulting in a sleepless night for me .
They think they know everything about me . They think they know their own daughter ; no , they know nothing about me .
I'm tired of living this life .
Criticised by my own parents EVERY SINGLE DAY .
Being insulted by my parents .
Having mean words said about me .
I'm their daughter , couldn't they put themselves in my shoes ? In the end , I couldn't abandon them . I'm their only child , they need me when they grow old . But , they are tearing me apart every single day .
I wish they would stop .
I wish they could be more considerate .
I wish they can understand the hurt they are doing to me .
I wish they are able to see things from my point of view .
I'm all alone . Nobody understands me .